Blog, or not to blog, that is the question...

I realized that now that I'm revisiting my blog after the year sabbatical, I should do some recapping of 2010.
Hmmm, where to begin...   Well, my business is growing slowly.  I finished a few contracting jobs...not enough to make me rich, but enough to pay most of my day to day bills.  (I haven't had to donate plasma for about a year now.)  I took, and graduated from, a micro entrepreneurial (small business) class.  I have big hopes for my business in 2011.

I am still single.  I still haven't met the "right one".  It's tough being older, and single.   Mother Nature's cruel joke on the young middle aged man is that I still have the desires of  a young man; In my case, I still have the health of a younger man; yet, I look like the typical middle aged dude.  So the young hotties won't have anything to do with me.  In their eyes, I am too old.  I stopped visiting the singlesnet, eharmony, etc., websites.  I did meet, and go out a few times with an older woman.  She was 47, but it never panned out into anything.  I find that most older women are either too cynical, or too "reserved".  I figure, if it will happen, it will happen.  It would be nice to share my life with someone, but, being single will do for now.

I need to look forward to the future...2011 being the immediate future.  My 2011 goals are:

1. Save my house from going into foreclosure, through financing or refinancing.
2. Grow my business though networking, advertising, and web promotions.
3. Take my ex-wife back to court to get my child support and visitation with my daughter modified.  That would translate into spending more time with my daughter.
4. Get caught up on all my obligations, financial, emotional, mental, relational, etc...

Those are my Main Goals. 

My lesser goals would be to:

1. Get another motorcycle, preferably, a Harley. (And ride as often as possible)
2. Find someone to start a rlationship with, and share my life and experiences with.
3. Spend time remodeling my house. (I actually enjoy this)
4. Get more involved with family, friends, and community.
5. And I suppose it should be a goal to try to keep up my blog...


More later...

Spring Forward, Spring Cleaning, Inspiration and a new beginning!

I started my blog over a year ago, with all the great intentions of contributing regularly.  But something happened...Life.  The day to day realities of life hit me head on day, after day, after day.  I know that's no excuse, I'm sure I could have found a few minutes here or there to jot a new thought into my blog.  But, as the saying goes, "The road to Hell is paved with great intentions."  What prompted me to get off my ass, and spend a few moments to contribute to my own blog, was a chance meeting with an exceptional young woman.  I was installing a new washer and dryer at her sisters house, while she was babysitting there.  We sparked up a conversation, and I was immediately impressed with here apparent grasp on thoughts that were (or should have been) beyond her chronological age of understanding.  She mentioned that she blogs on her website regularly.  I, on the other hand, tried to impress her with my boring stories of my glory days. (Did you catch the Springstein analogy?)  Before leaving, she asked me to check out her blog, and give her my impressions and feedback. I half-heartedly agreed that I would.  But, as fate would have it, I did actually browse her blog, and was amazed at the content.  Her blog was filled with motivational thoughts and references.  It inspired me...yes, ME.  I haven't been "inspired" in quite a long time.  This young woman has such great potential.  I hope she takes her potential, mixes in the motivation transcribed in her blogs, and takes the next step of converting it all to action...If she does this the skies the limit for her...As for me, she got me to contribute to my blog, after all this procrastination and delay. As for the feedback comments I gave her, here is what I wrote:

"Mao, I’ve read all your blog entries going back to the first ones here, and have to say, you have a great mind for someone still so young. There are 3 kinds of people I have encountered in my life…People who think great thoughts…People who do great things…and those rare individuals who are able to think great thoughts AND do great things. I, myself, have spent most of my life “doing” things, without giving them much thought. You seem to be “thinking” things, but not “doing” things. I believe you have the potential to become one of those rare individuals that will be able to think and do great things. You still have the advantage of youth on your side. I would like to see you rise up and be the next Tony Robbins, or something even greater. I started a blog over 2 years ago, and maybe made 2 or 3 entries into it. I had great intentions to keep it up, but life got in the way. It’s a tricky balancing act, juggling the realities of life, with the ideology's of the mind. I believe you have the talent, and through the proper mentoring, will learn the skills to achieve success. I hope you will contact me sometime to discuss all your blog entries, and discuss the future of your success!"


I hope this encourages her to continue her blogging and takes it all to the next level of action.  And, I hope my action of finally returning to, and writing in, my blog, will continue on a regular basis, based on the inspiration I received from and exceptional young woman.

Time to Reassess..and start the year with a Tabula rasa (Blank Slate)

Wow...It's a new year and time to shake off the old one, get off my ass, and hit this new year head on.  Before I do this I need to reassess and reevaluate my current position and situation...


Physically...I am healthy, albeit a little extra winter/holiday pounds...I can resolve this by watching what I am eating a little better...and try to get a little more exercise.

Mentally...I still seem to have all my faculties in place...I could resolve to read a little more to keep the neurons from getting lazy.


Emotionally...Hmm...I think I am still suffering from a bit of Seasonal Affective disorder...or it could be situational depression.  I find myself tired all the time and want to sleep.  Maybe my body just wants to hibernate.  Also...I am feeling a bit lonely, because I am not in a relationship, and have no one to share life with right now.  It's not that I have not been trying.  I chat on Singlesnet, take advantage of the free weekends on eHarmony, and even went out with a group on Saturday night.  But haven't found what I am looking for.  Mostly, because I don't exactly know what I am looking for.  I just know I want it.  Even though I don't know exactly what I want.  I just want the warmth of another person, someone to listen to me without passing judgment, someone I can care about and will care about me.  Is that asking too much?? Apparently so, because I am still alone.  Well, what can I do about this???  I guess I can continue on singlesnet, eharmony, bikers or not, etc...until someone comes along, until then I will have to continue eating my macaroni and cheese alone.

Monetarily/Financially...This area is in the toilet...This economy has hit me hard.   I am so deep in debt it will take a miracle to climb out of it.  I picked a terrible time in history to launch a new business...but with no one else hiring what choice did I have.  I know what I have to do...I need to network...I need to get my website up and running...I need to get business cards printed and handed out...I need to promote my business everywhere...but most of all I need to get off my ass and work!!!  It's a sad state of affairs when a person has to sell their plasma for an extra $50.00 per week, when they have the skills, knowledge, and ability to build a building from the first shovelful to the last shingle.  It's sad when I have to go to food shelfs to get by when I have college degrees, vocational certificates, and licenses in such a wide range of things.  How did I get to this position??  I wish I could say it was things I could change or do, but it just comes down to this economy, so few people have the extra money to spend, and the competition is so fierce.  What more can I do??  I just need the break, the big score, (or even a bunch of little ones)  I need work...first to get me caught up with my cuurent debts and obligations, then to work on paying down my past debts and obligations.  Buying my house has made me so happy, but if things don't turn around soon, my ownership will be short lived.  My financial hardship affects others around me as well.  I still owe my uncle $2500.00 I borrowed to buy this house.  My ex holds the child support over my head by limiting my time with my daughter (this isn't exactly true...but I am venting so I am taking liberties).  I still owe student loans, medical and dental bills, behind on others like utilities, cell phone, etc.  I know if I just had enough work lined up for this year I could not only drag myself out of this current hole and start building a tower to financial independence and freedom.  In the interim, I will have to do what I have to do to survive.  I will keep selling my plasma, going to the food shelf, getting my hair cut at the beauty schools, applying for aid and assistance, and attempting to keep my wits and dignity while doing so.  My public persona is one of confidence and security, while my pesonal life is one of stuggle and survival.

I shouldn't complain as much as I do...my life is filled with so many blessings, and although it looks bleak right now, it's still better than many people out there.  I have my health, my children are healthy, my grandchildren are healthy, my brothers and their families are healthy.  I have been given so much in my life, and although I always wish things were better, everyone does, I really can't complain.  I need to reflect on my many blessings, and hope for a better tomorrow, what will happen will happen.  In the Big Picture I'm just a single pixel.  What did Shakespeare say in "As You Like It"?

"All the world's a stage,


And all the men and women merely players;

They have their exits and their entrances,

And one man in his time plays many parts,

His acts being seven ages."



So as I enter and exit the stages of my life, I will do so with dignity and honesty.

•Hau'oli Makahiki Hou - Happy New Year...A new Year and Fresh Start

The western Christmas and New Year fell during this same time of the year that the Hawaiians traditionally honored the earth for giving them plenty to eat. This period of resting and feasting was called Makahiki (mah-kah-HEE- kee). It lasted for 4 months, and no wars or conflicts were allowed during this time. Because makahiki also means "year", the Hawaiian phrase for "Happy New Year" became "Hau'oli (happy) Makahiki (year) Hou (new)"(how-OH-lee mah-kah-hee-kee

Last Day of 2009...Once in a Blue Moon

It's December 31st, 2009...last day of the year...of the decade.  It is significant in many ways.  Tonight is a Blue Moon...Being the second Full Moon in the month.  The next Blue Moon will not be until 2012.  So I will end this year and decade with this once in a Blue Moon.  I will tip a few Blue Moon Beers to send out the old year, and welcome the new.

It's hard to believe it was 10 years ago, tonight, at the stroke of midnight, 1999, the turning of the century, that I got down on my knee and proposed to my future wife, Chris.  It seems like just a blink ago she said yes...now that we have been divorced for 3 years, that period of time seems like decades.

It was one year ago today that my beautiful daughter, Elizabeth, gave me my second grandchild, and first granddaughter, Sommer Elizabeth.  She was born around 7am last December 31st.  Now when I see her she is already walking (toddling)  She is such a beautiful little girl, looking so much like her mom.

Saying goodbye to 2009

"The Best laid plans of Mice and Men oft go awry"

What the heck...may as well start blogging my life. I'm halfway between cradle and grave. I've had 47 years of...Wow!...what a coaster ride it's been. End of the year is a great time to reflect and get sentimental. 2009 was...how do I describe it?? Interesting.

The end of a year is like saying goodbye to a friend you will NEVER see again. You laughed with it, cried with it, fought with it, slept with it, bathed with it...and no matter where you went, it went with you. Now I will have to try to make friends with the new year, 2010. It's can be tough making new friends, especially with a new year. The main reason it is difficult is because you know nothing about it. Will it be friendly or hostile. Will it be honest with you or stab you in the back at every opportunity. Hopefully it will not bring up your past years over and over. I guess it's no use worring about it...it will happen the way it happens...just go with it...no matter where it takes me.

2009 in a nutshell:

Started a new business...which is struggling helplessly in it's infancy.
Ended 3 years with my post divorce counselor, because he resigned his position...learned a lot about myself from him, hope he find's what he's looking for.
Reunited with by best friend Katrina, had loads of fun all summer. But... Katrina is like a shooting star, a super bright light, streaking through your life, and before you can make a wish she is gone in a flash. It ended with her not talking to me...again.
I also reconnected with my Ex wife's Mother and Grandmother...their friendship, although unconventional...has been wonderful.
My relationship with my Ex seems to have gotten better, but it seems there is still a long way to go yet.
The biggest thing that happened to me in 2009, I moved back into My house. Actually, it was mine and Chris's house from when we were married. She was letting it fall into foreclosure. So I contacted her, and we worked out a deal. I had to sell My Harleys to get it out of foreclosure, but it feels so nice to be back in a house, instead of the transient lifestyle of renting. I just hope I can afford to keep it.

I end 2009 deeply in debt, trying to sell off relics of my past, just to pay my minimal bills. I am Harleyless, always on the verge of homelessness. I sell my plasma to get an extra $50.00 per week. I've resorted to going to the Local Foodshelfs to get me through these tough times. I qualified for, and applied for energy assistance. In public, I put on the appearance of confidence and success, but the behind the scenes, I'm a struggling mess. I have great expectations for 2010. Either I will drown or swim...I'm not that great of a swimmer, so I will hold on to any flotation devices until I am close enough to shore to swim the rest of the way.

My hopes for the upcoming year...2010,

That my construction business takes off so I can pay off my debts, and stay current on my obligations,
That I will be able to spend more time with Emilia,
That I will be able to spend more time with Elizabeth and My 2 precious grandchildren,
That, somewhere, somehow, I will get another Harley...for me, not riding is almost like not living. Riding my Harley was better than any therapy I could pay for. For those brief moments on my bike I feel the "oneness" with the world...No problems, just a certain "bliss".
If the fates align in 2010 I am hopeful that...Maybe...I can meet that certain someone to share my life with. It has been 4 years post divorce, and I am more than ready to saddle up again.

Being alone has it's benefits, but being with someone to share life and experiences with has many, many more benefits. I have been on my share of dates in 2009, with none ever developing into anything. I always find fault with them..."lives too far away", "not physically attracted to", "too high maintenence", "not my equal". I have spent time reflecting on my life, and realize I have only been "in love" 5 times in my life. I have been in hundreds of relationships, but only been "in love" 5 times. Who are these 5 loves of my life?? Tami Lloyd, my first "real" girlfriend; Lorna, my second wife, and mother of my son, Joshua; Barb, mother of my older daughter, Elizabeth; Chris, my third wife, and mother of my daughter Emilia; and as for #5 as strange as it sounds, it is(was) my best friend, Katrina...I don't know why I love her...She is wrong for me in every way imaginable. All I know is that when I am with her, I feel the same way as I did(do) for the other 4 women I have been in love with. When I have told people of the 5 people I have been in love with in my life, the always notice that my first wife, Kim, is not in the list. It's not that I didn't Love Kim, it's just that I never felt the "in love" feeling with her. She is a sort of postscript in my life. We were married for such a short time, at such a young age, that I consider my relationship with her as a "Mulligan". She was my training wheels while I was learning to ride the bike.
All I know for sure is that I am a passionate, compassionate, man with lots of love to give to someone.
Will 2010 be another desert year, monsoon, or somwhere in between. Who knows, take it day by day, and before I know it I will be saying goodbye to 2010 and hello to 2011.

I feel sorry for anyone that reads this blog...Ramblings, both amusing and mundane from the mind of a middleaged man.  I've never blogged before, so I am unfamiliar with blog ettiquite and format.  I will use this blog more like  journal, with flipflops between present and past.  I am going to leave political correctness to my public persona, and use this blog as my personal vent and valve.  I will not say my views are always correct and accurate, but they are the way I see things and feel things.

So, where am I at this particular spot in my life?...I feel a little seasonal affective disorder...or it could be situational depression.  Although I seem to have good health...maybe a little extra holiday season weight.  The end of year blues or whatever.  I find myself apathetic and unmotivated.  I have lists of things I could be doing, but don't have the motivational energy to complete the tasks.  I have been making internal excuses as to why I dont' need to get this or that done.