"The Best laid plans of Mice and Men oft go awry"
What the heck...may as well start blogging my life. I'm halfway between cradle and grave. I've had 47 years of...Wow!...what a coaster ride it's been. End of the year is a great time to reflect and get sentimental. 2009 was...how do I describe it?? Interesting.
The end of a year is like saying goodbye to a friend you will NEVER see again. You laughed with it, cried with it, fought with it, slept with it, bathed with it...and no matter where you went, it went with you. Now I will have to try to make friends with the new year, 2010. It's can be tough making new friends, especially with a new year. The main reason it is difficult is because you know nothing about it. Will it be friendly or hostile. Will it be honest with you or stab you in the back at every opportunity. Hopefully it will not bring up your past years over and over. I guess it's no use worring about it...it will happen the way it happens...just go with it...no matter where it takes me.
2009 in a nutshell:
Started a new business...which is struggling helplessly in it's infancy.
Ended 3 years with my post divorce counselor, because he resigned his position...learned a lot about myself from him, hope he find's what he's looking for.
Reunited with by best friend Katrina, had loads of fun all summer. But... Katrina is like a shooting star, a super bright light, streaking through your life, and before you can make a wish she is gone in a flash. It ended with her not talking to me...again.
I also reconnected with my Ex wife's Mother and Grandmother...their friendship, although unconventional...has been wonderful.
My relationship with my Ex seems to have gotten better, but it seems there is still a long way to go yet.
The biggest thing that happened to me in 2009, I moved back into My house. Actually, it was mine and Chris's house from when we were married. She was letting it fall into foreclosure. So I contacted her, and we worked out a deal. I had to sell My Harleys to get it out of foreclosure, but it feels so nice to be back in a house, instead of the transient lifestyle of renting. I just hope I can afford to keep it.
I end 2009 deeply in debt, trying to sell off relics of my past, just to pay my minimal bills. I am Harleyless, always on the verge of homelessness. I sell my plasma to get an extra $50.00 per week. I've resorted to going to the Local Foodshelfs to get me through these tough times. I qualified for, and applied for energy assistance. In public, I put on the appearance of confidence and success, but the behind the scenes, I'm a struggling mess. I have great expectations for 2010. Either I will drown or swim...I'm not that great of a swimmer, so I will hold on to any flotation devices until I am close enough to shore to swim the rest of the way.
My hopes for the upcoming year...2010,
That my construction business takes off so I can pay off my debts, and stay current on my obligations,
That I will be able to spend more time with Emilia,
That I will be able to spend more time with Elizabeth and My 2 precious grandchildren,
That, somewhere, somehow, I will get another Harley...for me, not riding is almost like not living. Riding my Harley was better than any therapy I could pay for. For those brief moments on my bike I feel the "oneness" with the world...No problems, just a certain "bliss".
If the fates align in 2010 I am hopeful that...Maybe...I can meet that certain someone to share my life with. It has been 4 years post divorce, and I am more than ready to saddle up again.
Being alone has it's benefits, but being with someone to share life and experiences with has many, many more benefits. I have been on my share of dates in 2009, with none ever developing into anything. I always find fault with them..."lives too far away", "not physically attracted to", "too high maintenence", "not my equal". I have spent time reflecting on my life, and realize I have only been "in love" 5 times in my life. I have been in hundreds of relationships, but only been "in love" 5 times. Who are these 5 loves of my life?? Tami Lloyd, my first "real" girlfriend; Lorna, my second wife, and mother of my son, Joshua; Barb, mother of my older daughter, Elizabeth; Chris, my third wife, and mother of my daughter Emilia; and as for #5 as strange as it sounds, it is(was) my best friend, Katrina...I don't know why I love her...She is wrong for me in every way imaginable. All I know is that when I am with her, I feel the same way as I did(do) for the other 4 women I have been in love with. When I have told people of the 5 people I have been in love with in my life, the always notice that my first wife, Kim, is not in the list. It's not that I didn't Love Kim, it's just that I never felt the "in love" feeling with her. She is a sort of postscript in my life. We were married for such a short time, at such a young age, that I consider my relationship with her as a "Mulligan". She was my training wheels while I was learning to ride the bike.
All I know for sure is that I am a passionate, compassionate, man with lots of love to give to someone.
Will 2010 be another desert year, monsoon, or somwhere in between. Who knows, take it day by day, and before I know it I will be saying goodbye to 2010 and hello to 2011.
I feel sorry for anyone that reads this blog...Ramblings, both amusing and mundane from the mind of a middleaged man. I've never blogged before, so I am unfamiliar with blog ettiquite and format. I will use this blog more like journal, with flipflops between present and past. I am going to leave political correctness to my public persona, and use this blog as my personal vent and valve. I will not say my views are always correct and accurate, but they are the way I see things and feel things.
So, where am I at this particular spot in my life?...I feel a little seasonal affective disorder...or it could be situational depression. Although I seem to have good health...maybe a little extra holiday season weight. The end of year blues or whatever. I find myself apathetic and unmotivated. I have lists of things I could be doing, but don't have the motivational energy to complete the tasks. I have been making internal excuses as to why I dont' need to get this or that done.
